Anyway, I feel proud that Rainbow Troops/Laskar Pelangi is featured in New York Asian Film Festival. I believe in Riri Reza, its director, in giving us a ‘true story’ about Indonesian culture and what’s in it.

Oh my dear Khalil Fong

Khalil Fong – Wei Lai

You know what I’ve been thinking lately?
I think I have spent too much time on something that is worthless. I’m in my last second year of university but yet I still haven’t studied the things that I want to pursue (I mean, of course, besides my major): Art + Language.

Being an E.S.L students as I am,, I spent my three semesters itself just learning how to speak English. Hell yeah! But I fail to study the language I want to be fluent the most: Korean! Yeah!!!!!
Sigh, the joy of being an E.S.L student! LOL

Two more years to go, I haven’t even touched art class. Yaik! I really want to take those art class. Ok! Ok! I like it! So what?! It’s better to take the things that I like rather than the things that most people take.

Sigh! I think I’m running out of time! Four more semesters! Hope I can take everything that I want.
I still feel that there are a lot of things I really want to do before graduating and working.

credit picture: Soompi Stock Picture Thread

So, last nite, 6 of my friends and I were having dinner in one of chinese restaurant here. And in a joking tone, one of them asked us ‘how many friends we have in facebook’. Oh well, she precisely knows that all of us are not the popular people who happen to have tons of friends, at least, not in facebook. So, finally, we just started to answer it. I have around 280-ish ‘friends’, while some of my friends were just having 100-ish friends. But I said to her, “Well, back in high school, I really count how many friends I have in friendster, and if it’s less than what my friends have, I start adding it. Now, it don’t really care “.

To my surprise, she answered, “That’s just show how secure you’re. “

Eng..I..Eng..

She’s right. Well, it turns out that sometimes those 280-ish friends are friends that I’m not really close either. And rather than adding them, having them in facebook, thn contacting them in it, why don’t we just call them or meet with them. Hahaha…

And talking about secure vs insecurity. Oh well, where is my state right now ya? I think my level of security is going down way the hill… Alas,, insecure. And I think that’s the main reason why I start feeling bother hearing who is close to who. Oh Gee! Another 118 topic eh?
“What is people’s feeling about the number of friends in facebook”
I don’t think that’s academic enough.
LOL

And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. – Abraham Lincoln

Got to find it when I was reading Benjamin Button’s preview in Kompas ePaper today. It was quiet shocking to me but I totally agree with it.

And oh!
One of my favorite scene in Benjamin Buttons: The way Ben Button (Brad Pitt) describes Daisy’s (Cate Blanchett) accident by using supposition. It was simple but yet precise and amazing. Hadn’t Daisy change her clothes for longer time. Hadn’t the taxi driver buy his coffee. Hadn’t a girl answer her phone call. Everything would be totally different. Brilliant eh?
Sometimes, we really think that only if something didn’t go this way, it would have been better.
Oh times…. how we cannot control it.
Had I didn’t say it, we would probably be not in this state.

But now, even the slightest movement could bring us hateness! Even the least meaningful word can turn to anger. HOW FRAGILE A RELATIONSHIP IS. As an Indonesian proverb says “Karena nila setitik rusak susu sebelanga”.

This time, they can’t shout, so they cry harder. They can’t be mad, so their heart is aching. They can’t give in, so their soul is ripped. It is dangerous when what was once happy and beautiful suddenly become tainted. All the wonderful assumptions and relationships was thrown out of the window and burned deep inside the earth.

Mianhae, sorry. You hurt me, but I hurt you even more. You didn’t mean that, but you have put a scar in  my heart, so I just walked away. I put you my trust, but you crossed the line. 7 hours and I washed away my emotion, now you could turn back and un-do the sorry.

Tonight, the party will start, but I will be leaving behind by watching it only from TVRI. Not that I don’t like it; instead, I feel very grateful that TVRI are generous enough to broadcast it. But the feeling that this is a huge event, still…

Before, I felt so proud to be Indonesian people, but after I became an international citizen, I started questiong. Wen loves China, Tian loves China. All of my Chinese friends wrote that to show support for China as China become one of the fastest growing country in the world. But, I’m here questioning myself my loyalty to my own country. I’m questioning myself about its future. I’m questioning myself about the direction it will go. Then, I became mad at myself. I mad at myself because there is nothing that I can do. I mad at myself because I felt that I’m stuck in here inside the cage not being able to feel free. I mad at myself because after its 60 years living independently, my country is still unable to fly high. Yes. It has lost to its very own neighbor: Malaysia, Singapore, Thailand, and even Vietnam and Philiphine. Then, I became mad at myself again. I don’t think this cycle will ever end. Not until I see my country to be at the point I want it to be, you know what I’m talking about.

I couldn’t remember the exact date when I met him, but I knew it was three years ago when I was on top of the hill, on top of the world. He had known me before I even knew him. He had heard about me even before I met him, before when I realized that he existed in the world. So we met and introduced ourselves each other, and since then, he had been tailing me everywhere I went, everything I did, and whoever I met. It didn’t bother me, oh NO, he was a really nice and polite guy. And, had I known that he could create me into a person as I am now, I would’ve avoided it at all costs. At least I know that it would make my life easier.

“Dooberap,” even though he called my real name, but for this writing, I would just use my pseudo name, “do you trust people other than your mom?” that was his first question, and heck, that hit me on the spot leaving me dumbfounded. I just really wished that he didn’t see my face as I opened my mouth wide creating this O-shaped.

“I..,” I thought it was an easy question but I realized that I actually hadn’t answered that question until now. I just didn’t know the answer; truly, I didn’t want to answer the question either.

He continued, “Actually, I can see it clearly in your eyes. You seem to hang out a lot with your friends, you seem to get easily with people, but deep down, you don’t really want to get close to them. You don’t trust people as you don’t want to share your problems with them. You find it hard to open yourself that is so hard it makes it harder for you as well. Ah, I hope I won’t confuse you.” Oh No! I understood the meaning of his every word and I swallowed it deeply that now it rooted in my heart. So, that’s it! That’s it! I didn’t admit it myself before this, and to be honest, I didn’t even know that until he told me the truth. Since then, I began to to pay attention to the way I acted to others. Ah, crap, he was right. Eversince I was elementery school, I had no single close friends, not close enough for me to just pour all of my thoughts, my worries, and my soul to another person. Maybe it was the wrong thing to ever listen to his word, to ever trust his analysis. How was I supposed to know that right now I am exactly the person he told me once? How was I to know?

It was just our first ‘little’ conversation. There were other ten to twenty conversations for each he bombarded me with these questions leaving me asking myself who I really was. I realized how important our conversations were, so important to the extend that I really hate it. Was I like this? Was I like that? It was all confusing. Are we or are not the results of our own community? My head gets really dizzy and I was feeling so sick. I was nineteen-years-old girl, to old to be in the intersection of finding her true identity, to young to find the meaning of the conversation he brought up. Only if he knew I was looking for him. Unfortunately, he was nowhere to find.

“No, you’re not”

“Tell me, why am I here?”

“To meet with me, obviously’

“No, I mean, WHY.AM.I.HERE? In this city?”

“Oh,, to study, right?”

“Then why do I have to study?”

“I dunno, to be a successful woman, maybe? For your future?”

“Do I wanna be a successful person? Am I a successful person?”

“Do you succeed?” he asked back.

“What? I was asking you, now you asked me back?”

“Why are you here?”

“To study,” I answered bluntly.

“Study what?”

“The thing that I like, the thing that I perceive to be my future.”

“What IS your future?”

“I… can’t say,” I mumbled.

“But, do you have it in your mind?”

“Hm…,” I nodded.

“Do you believe what you’re meant to be?”

“Hm…”

“Then you’re succeeded. That’s the reason why you’re here,” He finished his drink and then left.

Only if that was real.

“Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be”- DBSK