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Archive for August, 2008

Event though this post won’t have any direct writing about the Beijing Olympiad itself, but after reading a news about it on the newspaper, I became mad at myself. How come, for such a tremendous event like this, there are only two TVs who will broadcast it? TVRI and another paid TV, TV Aora. So, eventually, only TVRI will serve the majority of the people of Indonesia because I bet there is way more people who doesn’t have that TV Aora. Why even RCTI, the usual broadcaster, doesn’t want to subscribe it? There’s only one reason: money.

Tonight, the party will start, but I will be leaving behind by watching it only from TVRI. Not that I don’t like it; instead, I feel very grateful that TVRI are generous enough to broadcast it. But the feeling that this is a huge event, still…

Before, I felt so proud to be Indonesian people, but after I became an international citizen, I started questiong. Wen loves China, Tian loves China. All of my Chinese friends wrote that to show support for China as China become one of the fastest growing country in the world. But, I’m here questioning myself my loyalty to my own country. I’m questioning myself about its future. I’m questioning myself about the direction it will go. Then, I became mad at myself. I mad at myself because there is nothing that I can do. I mad at myself because I felt that I’m stuck in here inside the cage not being able to feel free. I mad at myself because after its 60 years living independently, my country is still unable to fly high. Yes. It has lost to its very own neighbor: Malaysia, Singapore, Thailand, and even Vietnam and Philiphine. Then, I became mad at myself again. I don’t think this cycle will ever end. Not until I see my country to be at the point I want it to be, you know what I’m talking about.

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I.MISS.HIM

I really don’t understand. I miss him. NO. I was so anxious to find out something more from him. I didn’t miss him as if I was fallen in love and hence missed him the way a girl missed his boyfriend. I missed him the way that I was really anxious to find out something more from him, really want to meet him and to talk with him. There were so many questions that I wanted to ask him. So many things that if I eventually met him, I wouldn’t even know where to start. Who the HELL was he judging me like that? Who the HECK was he turning mylife upside down and creating me into the persons as I am today? We barely knew each other for less than a week and but then all of his words had made me realizing what kind of person I was, and it happened three years ago. So, this whole three years, I had been living under his shadow, walking under his show as if I was his puppet. And, right now, he was somewhere out there, unreachable, untouchable, as if he just disappeared from this world and vanished to the ground. Then, how could I meet him? I missed him; I really wanted to talk with him.

I couldn’t remember the exact date when I met him, but I knew it was three years ago when I was on top of the hill, on top of the world. He had known me before I even knew him. He had heard about me even before I met him, before when I realized that he existed in the world. So we met and introduced ourselves each other, and since then, he had been tailing me everywhere I went, everything I did, and whoever I met. It didn’t bother me, oh NO, he was a really nice and polite guy. And, had I known that he could create me into a person as I am now, I would’ve avoided it at all costs. At least I know that it would make my life easier.

“Dooberap,” even though he called my real name, but for this writing, I would just use my pseudo name, “do you trust people other than your mom?” that was his first question, and heck, that hit me on the spot leaving me dumbfounded. I just really wished that he didn’t see my face as I opened my mouth wide creating this O-shaped.

“I..,” I thought it was an easy question but I realized that I actually hadn’t answered that question until now. I just didn’t know the answer; truly, I didn’t want to answer the question either.

He continued, “Actually, I can see it clearly in your eyes. You seem to hang out a lot with your friends, you seem to get easily with people, but deep down, you don’t really want to get close to them. You don’t trust people as you don’t want to share your problems with them. You find it hard to open yourself that is so hard it makes it harder for you as well. Ah, I hope I won’t confuse you.” Oh No! I understood the meaning of his every word and I swallowed it deeply that now it rooted in my heart. So, that’s it! That’s it! I didn’t admit it myself before this, and to be honest, I didn’t even know that until he told me the truth. Since then, I began to to pay attention to the way I acted to others. Ah, crap, he was right. Eversince I was elementery school, I had no single close friends, not close enough for me to just pour all of my thoughts, my worries, and my soul to another person. Maybe it was the wrong thing to ever listen to his word, to ever trust his analysis. How was I supposed to know that right now I am exactly the person he told me once? How was I to know?

It was just our first ‘little’ conversation. There were other ten to twenty conversations for each he bombarded me with these questions leaving me asking myself who I really was. I realized how important our conversations were, so important to the extend that I really hate it. Was I like this? Was I like that? It was all confusing. Are we or are not the results of our own community? My head gets really dizzy and I was feeling so sick. I was nineteen-years-old girl, to old to be in the intersection of finding her true identity, to young to find the meaning of the conversation he brought up. Only if he knew I was looking for him. Unfortunately, he was nowhere to find.

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“I’m lost”

“No, you’re not”

“Tell me, why am I here?”

“To meet with me, obviously’

“No, I mean, WHY.AM.I.HERE? In this city?”

“Oh,, to study, right?”

“Then why do I have to study?”

“I dunno, to be a successful woman, maybe? For your future?”

“Do I wanna be a successful person? Am I a successful person?”

“Do you succeed?” he asked back.

“What? I was asking you, now you asked me back?”

“Why are you here?”

“To study,” I answered bluntly.

“Study what?”

“The thing that I like, the thing that I perceive to be my future.”

“What IS your future?”

“I… can’t say,” I mumbled.

“But, do you have it in your mind?”

“Hm…,” I nodded.

“Do you believe what you’re meant to be?”

“Hm…”

“Then you’re succeeded. That’s the reason why you’re here,” He finished his drink and then left.

Only if that was real.

“Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be”- DBSK

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